I would honestly say it’s been hard to keep my faith and still go through
my day. I’ve changed but it’s not like I’ve changed dramatically. It’s more of
me trying to understand why things happen. Why do things happen the way they
do? Why do people act the way they do? Why has my life taken a turn like this?
I am trying to keep my faith but I am stuck soul searching for an understanding
of life.
The first step is to know that I
am broken and move forward from that point. I know some of you may not be
religious but my aunt and uncle are pastors. I grew up in the church and most
of my dayones grew up with me in that atmosphere. Being taught that God has a
plan for you and everyone around you. No matter good or bad, he has a plan. The
last time I prayed and actually went to a church hasn’t happened since January
honestly. Like we went to my cousin’s house and prayed for him but I wasn’t
really praying for him. I was staring around the room trying to hear what
everyone else had to say. I was trying to understand why something so damaging
happens to us. Then we are expected to immediately get back into our regular
routine. People want things to go back to the way they use to be, but that’s
impossible. I already had my daily crying session and just trying to understand
where I lost my faith at. It’s probably when I thought I was never breakable
and my family was untouchable. It’s not like my faith is completely gone it’s
more so I have to build it back up.
How can I have hope without
faith? I hope for better things everyday. Hope that the people around me stay
strong as I bare the weight for them. I’ve always been that person that
appreciates and tries to carry the load for those around me. I’ve always been
that strong person that could never be broken. The pressure of the people
around me to get back to the person I use to be is overwhelming. I am trying
but stuck in my thoughts trying to cherish those people around me more because
if I lost them how would I feel? My fear is bigger then my faith, the fear of
losing those close to me. Trying to keep my faith but to busy trying to
understand the reason behind why things happen.
“What
defines us is how well we rise after falling”
This post hit home for me so hard. I lost my nephew early Nov. He was 3 years old battling a rare disorder call Ipex, since he was born. Not one time did I actually think he would pass away and leave us. Like you stated before, I thought my family was untouchable too. I haven't talked to God since, I'm so angry and I still want answers. I know this mind set isn't healthy at all but I have also change the way I look at life and why things happen. I never knew life without God and faith and from the months of me putting that lifestyle to the side I've only gone deeper in a dark tunnel. I hope to get on a better path soon but right now I'm stuck in a bubble still trying to understand why things happen the way they do.
ReplyDeleteI know the lost feeling never gets better it just gets easier to manage. Thanks for sharing.
~Alise
Thanks for the insight and reading
DeleteKevin, my heart breaks for yoy man. Some wounds only God can heal, and Jesus is more than happy to heal those wounds. One thing about Jesus is that He also experienced loss when Lazarus died - and Jesus mourned. It's OK to mourn and have questions, but the good news is that Jesus, our great High Priest, sympathizes with us. God will heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. Jesus said, blessed are they that mourn, for they will be comforted.
ReplyDeleteAppreciate the words of wisdom
DeleteThat was super deep. I could definitely relate to how you're feeling. Religion is simply designed to help guide us through this life. Help us cope with the bad and give thanks for the good, because we all know things don't just happen. Often times we are not able to understand why things happen the way they do, but over time things start to make sense. Or even if they never do, we must convince ourselves that they happened for a reason, because in the end, they did. And maybe you need a break from people. Esp if they're pressuring you to be "yourself" sometimes you clock out mentally, and that's ok. You should go some where random by yourself one day and just meet people, no pressure, they don't know you so they can't tell tou who you're not being. Ya no? Lol... Well Kevin, I hope my feedback helped in some way and I will lift you and your family up in prayer. I know you'll be ok, your heart is heavy, but you'll always make it thru.
ReplyDelete-Victoria
I appreciate the feedback. It is always good to escape and get yourself together but you can only do that for so long. Things tend to catch up to you unexpectedly.
Delete