Picture Perfect

      

     I am a horrible person when it comes to taking pictures, only because I take very horrible pictures and I am always making faces. I try to just smile but that’s just hard and I need a facial expression to express my current feeling. I just feel like I have to “conform” to the etiquette of taking pictures with a smile. I don’t have to but you need at least 1 regular looking picture. All the other pics I will gladly fuck up if it expresses me. Moving forward with life I will just try to capture as many moments as possible and continue to create moments with those people around me.

            We tend to not cherish all the experiences that are provided to us. They always tell you to just live in the moment and put your camera down but sometimes a moment needs to be captured. Captured and preserved for longevity then you can continue living it. 

            What made me realize I didn’t have a lot of moments is when I accidentally wiped my phone the other day and lost all my pictures. I didn’t care too much but it was like I forgot to save them in my repository. So they are gone for good and have to create new moments. My ultimate goal is to create a photo album like when I was younger. Just of my random moments, cool people I’ve met and the many things I’ve experienced. Just trying to capture every moment and make the picture as perfect as possible. 

“Capturing the moments of today that will wow your hearts tomorrow”

Year 28

So much has happened in year 27 that I am thankful for. I have/had amazing people in my life. I have put new goals for myself on the table. I have explored new places and I have taken my personal hobbies farther then I thought I would. Year 27 has been a different ride for me as I felt at my highest point at one minute and was brought down to the lowest point at the end. I have never been so broken that I had to ask for help to recover. I have created stronger bonds with a lot of the people close to me and let some bonds go because of life just happening. 

Year 28 I decided will be a great year for me. I am speaking that into existence and no one can tell me different. I’ve been beating myself up for the past couple months but I decided that getting me back on track is priority. It’s time to get back in the driver seat of my life, wake up and to bring my happiness to a higher level. I try to reflect on every situation in my life as a learning experience. It is teaching me to be better and do better for the person in the mirror. I could be negative but life will continue moving forward no matter what is going on in your life. I continue trying to surround myself with positive people, positive vibes and positive energy. Each year of your life you should reflect on your life and make sure that you are happy. If you aren’t happy get rid of the negative energy and insert the positive energy. You are the only one preventing the next year of your life from being better than the previous one. 

“Energy is contagious, positive and negative alike. I will forever be mindful of what and who I am allowing into my space.”

The Process

Sometimes I find myself being lost in my thoughts trying to fix the broken pieces of my life. I was told that I care more for others than I care about myself. Even if I am not happy I like to make sure those people around me are happy. My therapist told me this. Yes I am seeing a therapist, a neutral person that knows nothing about my life that is giving me advice. I am normally the person giving advice and fixing issues. It’s weird because I’m such a strong person that I find it weird to talk to a person who doesn’t know my life but I know that's the best decision for me.

I am a very positive person and try to remain that way without having the negative energy bring me down. I found myself getting lost in my path of living a better life. The fact that things started to hit me after the fact scared me. Depression is a serious thing and should be dealt with. I don’t find myself depressed all the time, I just have random moments of depression. When I feel lower the anything else and just cry my heart out. I know why I am crying and I am feeling this way but what can I do to fix it? I could talk to the people around me but they just tell me the same thing I can tell myself. I don’t like hearing things I can tell myself. This is a process for me to get better. People don’t realize that I was carrying the heavy weight for my family after everything with my sister. I just knew I had to get things done. Being that my parents are Haitian, they don’t really understand all the processes you have to do. I had some of my family to help me but things still fell to me to get accomplished. I didn’t have my moment to breathe, it all just felt like a dream. It still feels like a dream. Just waiting for that moment for my bald headed ass sister to bust through the door and try to hug me to death.

 The fear that I have is that no one will remember my sister for the great person that she is. They will forget her and let her go by the wayside. I can’t let that go and won’t let that go. Even though I have this void now it’s all about creating a process for myself to heal and pick myself up. This journey is something no one can really help me out with but something I have to go through as Kevin. Life has always been a bunch of random puzzle pieces and I am just trying to keep my puzzle together.  

"Slow down. Calm down. Don't worry. Don't Hurry. Trust the process." - Alexandra Stoddard