The Process

Sometimes I find myself being lost in my thoughts trying to fix the broken pieces of my life. I was told that I care more for others than I care about myself. Even if I am not happy I like to make sure those people around me are happy. My therapist told me this. Yes I am seeing a therapist, a neutral person that knows nothing about my life that is giving me advice. I am normally the person giving advice and fixing issues. It’s weird because I’m such a strong person that I find it weird to talk to a person who doesn’t know my life but I know that's the best decision for me.

I am a very positive person and try to remain that way without having the negative energy bring me down. I found myself getting lost in my path of living a better life. The fact that things started to hit me after the fact scared me. Depression is a serious thing and should be dealt with. I don’t find myself depressed all the time, I just have random moments of depression. When I feel lower the anything else and just cry my heart out. I know why I am crying and I am feeling this way but what can I do to fix it? I could talk to the people around me but they just tell me the same thing I can tell myself. I don’t like hearing things I can tell myself. This is a process for me to get better. People don’t realize that I was carrying the heavy weight for my family after everything with my sister. I just knew I had to get things done. Being that my parents are Haitian, they don’t really understand all the processes you have to do. I had some of my family to help me but things still fell to me to get accomplished. I didn’t have my moment to breathe, it all just felt like a dream. It still feels like a dream. Just waiting for that moment for my bald headed ass sister to bust through the door and try to hug me to death.

 The fear that I have is that no one will remember my sister for the great person that she is. They will forget her and let her go by the wayside. I can’t let that go and won’t let that go. Even though I have this void now it’s all about creating a process for myself to heal and pick myself up. This journey is something no one can really help me out with but something I have to go through as Kevin. Life has always been a bunch of random puzzle pieces and I am just trying to keep my puzzle together.  

"Slow down. Calm down. Don't worry. Don't Hurry. Trust the process." - Alexandra Stoddard