How Do You Feel?

I have been picking up what’s left of this year and trying to make it end on a positive note. You can start in a negative space but you always have to end with something positive. I’ve been trying to keep to myself but I know that isn’t healthy at all. For the first 5-6 months of the year I struggled with getting outside the house. I’d personally rather stay in and not go out. It’s not that I was depressed it was more so I didn’t want to deal with people. People pushing views on how I should be living, what I should be doing and how I should be feeling. No matter what is happening people always seem to inject their views on you and not just let you live for you.

How do you feel? This is a real question that I was asked. Not are you okay? It was a genuine how do you feel?  I feel that life is getting better and that I am getting better. When I was asked this it was like a total shock. I didn’t really know how to answer it, it’s different then asking someone, “Hey are you okay?” I am not okay, why do you think I am okay? That made me reconsider connecting with the people around me and getting better. Sometimes people don’t know what to say but sometimes one person can fix the door to allow others back in. 

Now I find myself trying to enjoy life once again and just heal. Reconnecting with old friends, establishing new friendships, getting new hobbies and just smiling as much as possible. People see me going out but it really is for me to enjoy life for Kevin and no one else. We tend to forget that we are the drivers in our journey through life and that others are the passengers along for the ride. The moment they become backseat drivers to steer you in the wrong direction, you have to kick them out the car. If they can’t give you the necessary tools so you can keep driving your own life then they shouldn’t be along for the ride.

Damaged

Talking to my therapist about being damaged and admitting that I am, I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone is somewhat damaged. In the sense that something from your past is holding you back from growing in life. As a generation that has the shortest attention span imaginable, the moment we feel déjà vu happening we move. We jump from one thing to another hoping that something will change not realizing that we have to change so we no longer have to make that jump.

We have all dealt with someone that is damaged at one point or another. That baggage from the past they bring into your space, so now you have to help them deal with it. Stop it, especially if it is hindering you both growing through life. Tell them to check it at the door or toss it all the way out. You want to start fresh, positive and with no left overs. When someone tells you they are damaged appreciate that and take it as a sign of someone wanting to get better.

The first step in getting better or doing better is admitting that, “yes I have something wrong with me” and moving forward. Sometimes the people that are the closest never really let you know about yourself, that’s why YOU have to know about yourself. I’ve recognized that at this very moment I am no help to the people around me but I am trying to get better. The me from a year ago wasn’t as broken as he is today. Just me admitting won’t fix it, second step would be to act on it and actually get better. I am setting myself up today so my future self can look back and appreciate the journey that I’ve taken so far. I just want to grow through life and not be held down by what's damaging me today.

Suicidal Thoughts (Part 2)

I honestly didn’t take my sisters birthday very well as people provided constant reminders that she was no longer here. That kind of solidified it for me that she really is gone. Then it’s those other people that pressure me to speak to God but I hate to be pressured. Don’t tell me to speak to someone who I rather not speak to at this moment. When I am ready to open that door again I will. I’ve alienated a lot of my friends as some of them always make me feel like I need to be coddled. A lot of them make me feel like something is always wrong and I hate it. I try to be nice but just avoiding them at this moment is better than me saying something. I always say, “think about what you say to people before you say it. Those things can hurt more than you think.” 

Being that I never bite my tongue, to maintain a lot of my current friendships I had to. Speaking out of just raw emotions and feelings is never good. Some of the other people in my life get it, I just want to be treated normal. That’s all I ask, yes I am still hurting but I am just trying to move forward. I found myself one night just having a moment of weakness. I try not to have these and if I do it’s once in a blue moon, then I go back to eating gummy bears and playing Pokemon Go. The moment when you know you shouldn’t question life but you do anyway. I feel everyone has that moment when they feel like nothing is going right and everything is falling apart. I really broke down, let the demons in and said a lot of things. Things that aren’t like me to say but it happened. 

I found myself getting ready for work, cops pulling up to my door and being brought in for observation/evaluation. That just let me know and reaffirmed that I still have a purpose on this Earth. I knew that before but I know that more now. I let my thoughts get the better of me and that won’t happen again. These are my random thoughts but I will never let them consume me to the point I cause harm to myself. Life is a number of different roads I am just trying to keep traveling on one.    

Ketsy

I keep trying to find a way to get through certain days without my sister but it gets harder and harder. Sometimes I just want to just disappear and stay in a cave but I know exactly what my sister would say.  Still searching for answers and figure out exactly what happened but can’t find the answers. I am endlessly searching to fill the void but can’t even do that. The worst part is that people try to understand our bond and they can’t comprehend.

I tend to find myself waking up in the middle of the night and just crying. Crying because of the pain, loss and just the hurt that I am trying to deal with. It’s a process that I have to go through alone to get past it. I get it that life is so unexpected but I am so tired of hearing that. Tired of hearing that everything has a reason. Please just let me know what's the reason so I can throw this reason straight out the door.

This healing process will take me time but I feel like it is slowly progressing. Every time I do something I think about, “What would Ketsy do?” and I would laugh. She would make some corny joke and tell me to get my life together. Loss tends to make you feel like you’re no longer invincible and that you constantly have to be on alert for your family. I just want my sister's memory to live on and for her to be remembered.

The First

I find myself lost sometimes when I am going through things. Not in the sense that it always happens, in the sense that I am doing something for the first time since my sister’s death. I am going back to something for the first time and she isn’t around anymore. I find myself faking a smile more and more, while getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Alienating those around me because of the pressures of being someone I’m not ready to be again. Attempting to continue doing the things I like but finding myself not being able to share my experiences anymore with her. It’s like a hot poker constantly poking and poking me, to remind me she is not here. 

Slowly trying to repair the damage I’ve caused to myself, mentally, I try not to be a burden to the people I care about the most. Sometimes to forget I do things that I would do socially in the company of friends, alone in a car with the engine on. Not saying I would drive off, just trying to understand how everything happened and why doesn’t anyone have an answer for me. Trying to repair my connection to God I find that I am constantly being pressured to get better. Just pressured to be the Kevin I use to be, without Ketsy. Doing something for the first time without someone is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. It just makes you question everything around you and what you should be doing next. As my sisters birthday approaches I know a lot of people close to her will be feeling that void that they haven’t felt as much as me. Sometimes I just want to disappear but the important people around me catch me and bring me back to reality. The first time for everything will be painful but moving forward I just have to appreciate the time that we had. Life has so many roads that can be taken but the road you have to take without that person will be the hardest. 

"Appreciate life as it happens. Moments will soon pass and you will wish you had treasured them more."