I honestly didn’t take my sisters
birthday very well as people provided constant reminders that she was no longer
here. That kind of solidified it for me that she really is gone. Then it’s those other people that pressure me to speak to God but I hate
to be pressured. Don’t tell me to speak to someone who I rather not speak to at
this moment. When I am ready to open that door again I will. I’ve alienated a
lot of my friends as some of them always make me feel like I need to be
coddled. A lot of them make me feel like something is always wrong and I hate
it. I try to be nice but just avoiding them at this moment is better than me saying
something. I always say, “think about what you say to people before you say it.
Those things can hurt more than you think.”
Being that I never bite my tongue,
to maintain a lot of my current friendships I had to. Speaking out of just raw
emotions and feelings is never good. Some of the other people in my life get
it, I just want to be treated normal. That’s all I ask, yes I am still hurting
but I am just trying to move forward. I found myself one night just having a
moment of weakness. I try not to have these and if I do it’s once in a blue
moon, then I go back to eating gummy bears and playing Pokemon Go. The moment
when you know you shouldn’t question life but you do anyway. I feel everyone
has that moment when they feel like nothing is going right and everything is
falling apart. I really broke down, let the demons in and said a lot of things.
Things that aren’t like me to say but it happened.
I found myself getting ready for
work, cops pulling up to my door and being brought in for observation/evaluation.
That just let me know and reaffirmed that I still have a purpose on this Earth.
I knew that before but I know that more now. I let my thoughts get the better
of me and that won’t happen again. These are my random thoughts but I will
never let them consume me to the point I cause harm to myself. Life is a number
of different roads I am just trying to keep traveling on one.
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