Ketsy

I keep trying to find a way to get through certain days without my sister but it gets harder and harder. Sometimes I just want to just disappear and stay in a cave but I know exactly what my sister would say.  Still searching for answers and figure out exactly what happened but can’t find the answers. I am endlessly searching to fill the void but can’t even do that. The worst part is that people try to understand our bond and they can’t comprehend.

I tend to find myself waking up in the middle of the night and just crying. Crying because of the pain, loss and just the hurt that I am trying to deal with. It’s a process that I have to go through alone to get past it. I get it that life is so unexpected but I am so tired of hearing that. Tired of hearing that everything has a reason. Please just let me know what's the reason so I can throw this reason straight out the door.

This healing process will take me time but I feel like it is slowly progressing. Every time I do something I think about, “What would Ketsy do?” and I would laugh. She would make some corny joke and tell me to get my life together. Loss tends to make you feel like you’re no longer invincible and that you constantly have to be on alert for your family. I just want my sister's memory to live on and for her to be remembered.

The First

I find myself lost sometimes when I am going through things. Not in the sense that it always happens, in the sense that I am doing something for the first time since my sister’s death. I am going back to something for the first time and she isn’t around anymore. I find myself faking a smile more and more, while getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Alienating those around me because of the pressures of being someone I’m not ready to be again. Attempting to continue doing the things I like but finding myself not being able to share my experiences anymore with her. It’s like a hot poker constantly poking and poking me, to remind me she is not here. 

Slowly trying to repair the damage I’ve caused to myself, mentally, I try not to be a burden to the people I care about the most. Sometimes to forget I do things that I would do socially in the company of friends, alone in a car with the engine on. Not saying I would drive off, just trying to understand how everything happened and why doesn’t anyone have an answer for me. Trying to repair my connection to God I find that I am constantly being pressured to get better. Just pressured to be the Kevin I use to be, without Ketsy. Doing something for the first time without someone is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. It just makes you question everything around you and what you should be doing next. As my sisters birthday approaches I know a lot of people close to her will be feeling that void that they haven’t felt as much as me. Sometimes I just want to disappear but the important people around me catch me and bring me back to reality. The first time for everything will be painful but moving forward I just have to appreciate the time that we had. Life has so many roads that can be taken but the road you have to take without that person will be the hardest. 

"Appreciate life as it happens. Moments will soon pass and you will wish you had treasured them more."